WCYY, what the hell is your issue? You are Portland’s new rock alternative, not EmoNation. You’ve been playing great music for more than 10 years. I’ve been a loyal listener for most of those years and I’ve always enjoyed your DJs, song selection, and events. But now you’ve done it, pushing New Moon, the brand new Twilight film. What the hell?!

For those of you who have been living under a rock, Twilight is the newest vampire fad with impressionable young ladies. They love the torrid relationship between Bella, a little emo chick of 17 and Edward ‘D-Bag’ Cullen, the 100 year old vampire stuck in a teenager’s body. I’ve done my research and read some of this schlock. It’s absolutely terrible writing. Stephenie Meyer should be ashamed of herself. I cannot fathom how anyone would allow their name to be connected with literary sludge such as the Twilight Saga. The easiest way to describe it is romance novels lite.

That being said, the books have sold a bazillion copies and now the obligatory films are being made. I have not seen one nor will I subject myself to such crap. However, all the actors look appropriately emo. Every time I see them, I feel a sudden urge to kill rising from the pit of my soul.  Thankfully, I’ve never met these people in person or I might be Public Enemy #1 of all emo-ites everywhere.

All that being said, WCYY has been pushing New Moon hard on its listeners.  They had a huge pre-screening last night that they were giving away tickets for the last couple of weeks.  The way to get tickets was to find Edward hidden on the WCYY site.  SERIOUSLY? That was the best you could come up with? At least embarrass these little tight panted, black wearing, wrist scarring punks! Make them dress up as their favorite character and parade down Congress St… oh wait, they do that everyday.  I know… make them stand in Monument Square with a sign around their neck saying, “I Love Edward Cullen,” and see who makes it the longest.

WCYY, I had respect for you.  I love most of the music you play.  I think you have some of the best DJs in Maine… but you’ve sorely tested my loyalty.  You’re on probation… if you have a skinny jean contest, I’m gone.

I love football…be it high school, college, or professional, I love football.  Baseball may be America’s pastime, but football is our sports crack.  No other sport fires up sports fans as consistently as football.  It’s one game a week so it’s easy to watch and catch A LOT of games, which I do…every weekend.  It’s the perfect antidote for an hangover, too.

Anyway, here are some thoughts that I’ve been saving up about this season:

Rankings in College Football

Why, oh why, do we have preseason rankings? Christ, these teams haven’t even gotten on the field in a game and we’re ranking them? Rankings shouldn’t even exist until teams have played a couple of games.  Look at this year with the yo-yo seasons of Notre Dame, Florida State, and Miami.  At the beginning of the season they were all ranked very high after a few good looking victories.  Then they began the slow slide into sucktitude.  Wait until 5 or 6 games have been played and then assign your first rankings.  While on the topic of too early…

Pro Bowl Nominations

They start in Week 6!! Seriously? The season isn’t even half way over and we’re selecting pro bowlers!?!? Why don’t we give the Presidency to whomever has the most votes in the NH primary? Because we don’t know SHIT about the candidates yet! Also, why are fans allowed to vote for the Pro Bowl? Big market teams already have enough advantages so why should marginal players from large market teams get to showcase their ‘ehh’ abilities when legitimate stars languish in their off season homes wishing they could be playing in the warmth and sun.

Announcers

Just let us watch the game.  We don’t need you pointing out every single thing about a play.  I have eyes… I SAW when the receiver dropped the ball, the running back fumbled, or the defensive end came off the blind side and sacked the quarterback.  Give us insight but don’t treat us like we’re dumb… football isn’t complicated, we get it.

FOX

Stop showing me Dallas Cowboys game with Troy Aikman and Joe Buck… for the love of everything holy, please just stop.  Also get rid of that stupid robot… it can’t dance.

Replays on any networks

Make sure the offense isn’t running no huddle so I miss the snap and the play while you’re showing me some doofus making some stupid arm curl or fake lassoing technique to celebrate a tackle.  Speaking of which…

Celebrations

Let them happen when something noteworthy occurred  Throw the flag on the goofballs celebrating a tackle or a batted down ball.  That’s just ridiculous.  But an INT, TD, sack, fumble recovery, or FG is the time for a little celebration.

Injuries

Don’t show replays of injuries…please don’t.  I understand it’s a violent sport but I don’t need to see in slow motion a man’s knee getting blown out time and time and time again.  Just cut to commercial until the player is off the field… let him keep his dignity and save me from having to clean up the nachos that came back up.

Brett Favre

I was wrong… I’m sorry.

Peyton Manning

I can’t hate you anymore.  You are no longer a choke artist.  You are the greatest QB I’ve had to opportunity to watch.  But the Pats will still kick your ass in the playoffs.

Bill Belichick

Bring back the hoodie.  That’s where the genius is.

All I have to say is damn, this blows.

Shareholders Approve Pirate Bay Purchase

Not that I ever used this site to download copyrighted material.  (wink… wink… nudge… nudge)  I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with copyright infringement issues.  I understand them but I just don’t see how my or anyone’s flaunting of them ever hurt any company.  It’s part of business…things change and then the market place is different.  All these companies complaining about loss profits and demanding that governments step in and enforce their laws are the same assholes who bitch long and hard about government interference in their affairs.  So I say screw them and screw these morons spending big money on Pirate Bay.  They’ll be bankrupt in a year.

I spent my entire weekend in an automobile.  That may sound like a wee bit of exaggeration but I beg to differ.  I drove all over the wonderful states of Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, and Massachusetts with a tiny bit of driving in my lovely home state of Maine from Friday at 11 am until Sunday night when I got home at 6:45 pm.  While in Vermont, I spent time in Burlington and then drove back south to meet people in Massachusetts.  We took 89 South to 91 South, which intersects right outside White River Junction.

Right after we merged on 91 S, traffic slowed down to a crawl.  Mind you, this is 9 am on a Saturday in White River Junction, VT, not exactly a hot bed of traffic congestion at 5 pm on a work day, let alone early on a Saturday morning after the Vermont Brewers Fest.  Signs were proclaiming “Stop Ahead” and I remarked to Allie, my much better half, “What is this, Route 1 in Vacationland?”

And these signs weren’t temporary road signs either.  Very permanent looking, official signs.  While I was scratching my head, crawling along at a tortoise’s pace, I glimpsed out of the corner of my eye, a tan SUV with a seal in the middle of the door with black, tinted windows parked in one of the “cop” lanes in the median.  Instantly, I knew what was going on and I mentally thanked myself for not bringing any of my plants with me on my road trip.

“I think it’s a border patrol inspection,” said I.

“All the way down here?” Allie replied incredulously.

She had a very valid point.  By the quickest route, we were about 2 1/2 hours south of the Canadian border and by Route 91S, we were about 3 1/2 hours south of its crossing into Canada.  By this time, we were in a stop and go traffic pattern.  As we drew closer to the rest area/weight station/drug bust center/illegal alien detainment center, I saw that each lane was stopping and conversing with a law enforcement officer, dressed in a natty tan uniform.  Finally, after an interminable wait, it was our turn.

We pulled up and I stared into a face from every hippies’ nightmare.  A short, solid body topped with a neck like a bulls with tiny, beady eyes and nostrils flared as if he was going to charge.

“Good morning,” I opened on a friendly note to avoid permanent incarceration or injury.

“Are you both US citizens?” responded Deputy Dog as he literally spit the question at me.

“Uh…yeah,” I replied perplexed.  “Yes,” echoed Allie from the passenger seat.  As we answered, Sheriff Buford T. Justice quickly scanned the interior of the Forester.

“You’re good to go,” Lieutenant Jim Ron Dangle said with a dismissive wave of the hand.

I pulled away with a muttered “Thanks for wasting my time and I feel so much safer.”  The rest of the trip went well and no more John Q Law were seen.

But seriously, do they think they make our nation any safer by pulling stunts like this? Stopping people and asking them if they’re an American citizen? What kind of brain dead moron would reply with anything but an affirmative? Not only that, these guys were BORDER PATROL, not stand around on Route 91 South outside of White River Junction, 2 1/2 hours from Canada Patrol!!!!!

This kind of stunt usually means that the federal government is in a pissing match with either the Canadian government or with the state government.  VT is currently fighting with the feds about making their daily business that takes place inter-country easier to conduct.  The night before at the Brew Fest two different Canadian brewers’ beer was delayed at the border so they didn’t have beer for the first two hours of the Fest.

So thank you American government for friggin’ up my Saturday morning commute and keeping us safe from those dastardly Canadians and their terrorist beers!

I’m so fired up about this I’m literally shaking.  So please go read this article and then come back.  I should be sufficently calmed down when you return.

You’re back? Good…now for a good rant.

When is the South going to grow up and realized that their small minded, racially backwards, bigotted society is the most backwards in all of America? Where do they get off treating people differently for any reason? How have we as Americans not bombed the everliving f%ck out of these religious extremists instead of the poor Muslims? Speaking of Muslims, we should sick these twisted racists on the Taliban…it would rid us of two thorns in our side.

I feel better now.  Seriously, how sad is this? Why do humans hate each other for the simple fact that they have differences? People, for the love of everything holy, treat your fellow humans with respect and dignity.

April has arrived with a bang and with it has brought back to life in cities across the US, our National Pastime, baseball.  Baseball hearkens the beginning of spring throughout the entire USA, especially here in the Northeast where we’ve been buried up to the windows with snow since last October.  The baseball diamond is a wonderful sight for us snow bound eskimos.

As much as I love the smell of roasted peanuts and warm beer at the ball park, or the crack of a well hit ball, or the perfectly manicured green pastures of an well groomed outfield, I could do without the endless coverage of baseball.  It’s a 162 game schedule but already after two games, the New York press is crucifying every member of the Yankees, from the poor bat boys to Mr. Evil himself, George Steinbrenner.  After two losses, the headline in the New York Post is “FOR SECOND TIME, BIG-BUCKS LINEUP FOR THE BIRDS”.  Two games people…out of 162.

Baseball is a paced game, both indivudal games as well as the entire season.  It’s a sport to watch with an intent to relax and enjoy yourself.  It has moments of excitement and exhilaration but it is a sport that is perfect for sitting in the sun, sipping a cold brew, devouring a box of peanuts, and just allowing the game to flow around you.  So media please shut up with the minutiae…it’s baseball, just relax and enjoy our greatest game.

An animal lover is rescued from the mud in the empty, dredged Trenance Boating Lake in Newquay by the fire brigade after she jumped in to save a seagull. Two fire engines, 12 crew members, and paramedics were on standby to help her

Way to go guys…way to go.  Nice use of taxpayers money.  SHE’S NOT IN ANY DANGER!  IT’S FN’ING MUD.  Does she have two legs and two arms? Looks like it according to the picture.  Bitch, walk out of the mud…it might be a little taxing but you jumped in little lady.

Btw, anyone else think that seagull is laughing it’s ass off while it watches this from above after FLYING OUT OF THE MUD!